The Anti-Farming Alliance – Rewilder's, bashing civilization since 1981

AFA Timeline

Here it is, what you have all been waiting for, the complete time-line of the seriously active AFA.  This list has been compiled from action reports sent to the press from the first action in 1981 till now.

May 1981 – Freshly packed hay bales are trampled on in night time raid on Somerset farm.

1982 – Rubbish repeatedly tipped at lay-by at junction between Barford St John and Barford St Michael.  Rubbish included a Bros album and used nappies.  Local residents were appalled.  Banbury citizen ran front page article.

1983 – “Kill farmers” written in 4mm black marker pen on busy London circle line tube. THE AFA NEVER CLAIMED RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS ACTION.

1983 – 1st November arson attack on canteen dustbin situated at Leamington technical college

AFTER this action nothing more was heard from the AFA for 5 years.  Rumours had it they had gone underground due to increasingly rigid benefit regulations and a massive crackdown on AFA activity by MI5.

1988 – The AFA hit the headlines big-time when they blew up a sheep on a farm.  The Sun newspaper ran the front page headline Baaaaaaa-baric and called for the return of the death penalty.  Reportedly a small child was hurt by flying wool shrapnel and a rabbit was blinded by clag-nuts that came loose during the explosion.  A local christian group initially tried to pin the attack on an established family of gypsy’s in the area.  The attacks caused social breakdown in the local village which resulted in residents that had lived in the area for generations selling their listed houses to Sainsburies.  Furthermore this led to further industrial development and road widening.  Where once stood pristine rare meadow habitat, now sits Birmingham. The AFA boasted openly about this achievement.

1989 –   A farmer hangs himself in his barn after threats on his livestock.

1992- Farmer caught having sex with goat.  Claims he was forced to do it by an AFA operative in balaclava and Kappa tracksuit with a sawn off shotgun.

1993 – An AFA suicide bomber takes his life while trying to assassinate  Seth from much loved pro-farming propaganda Emmerdale Farm.  Seth who was driving to the off-license in his Morris Minor at the time survives with mere bruises and scratches. 3 members of the public including the rent boy who was in Seth’s car at the time are killed in the blast.

1994 – Farmers unhappy with lack of arrests over AFA activity march on the houses of parliament.  One farmer sets fire to himself outside downing street.  The National Farmers Union claims him a martyr – witnesses say aforementioned heavily drunk farmer spilt gin over himself, and slipped whilst lighting his pipe.  Later in the year 28 farmers (led by a catholic priest) commit mass suicide.

1995 – Farmer runs over himself with combine harvester.  The brakes were said to be cut by AFA operatives.

Again the AFA went out of public site for 6 years – in this time the suicide of farmers went up dramatically.  According to reports in mainstream media this was directly connected to fears of AFA attacks and had definitely nothing to do with the growth of agribusiness and the farmers shitty inbred lifestyle.  The AFA were preparing for their most audacious attack yet.

2001 – AFA INTRODUCES FOOT AND MOUTH INTO THE BRITISH ISLES.  On the night of 16th June 2001 a previously inexperienced AFA member drove Foot and mouth into the country via the Calais to Dover ferry line on the tires of a b-reg 1.2 Vauxhall Nova.  Initial area of contamination stretched from Dover to the Burger King drive through on the M25, junction 23.  News shows show scenes of crying farmers beside burning cattle.  On same night as 10 million sheep and cattle killed and burned in mass pyres 2367 boy racers (and their girlfriends) go missing

2003 – 13 year old  Robert Jones Imprisoned for 56 consecutive life sentences.  In February Robert was recorded saying “i think the AFA are cool” in an MSN conversation with 52 year old white male JR Bush (MSN name HotRachel) from texas.  When the FIT team raided Roberts house they found addresses and details for numerous members of the young farmers association and a collection of smashed up toy tractors in his wardrobe.  After days of searching Roberts bedroom, a key FIT team member found a fluffy sheep with one leg and one eye missing under Roberts bed and on his windowsill a copy of a Larry the lamb annual with certain pages missing and erratic crayon scribbles, one of which contained the letters AFA.

2004 – A number of small solidarity actions happen around the country, with tractor tires being slashed while farmers sleep in their barns at night and ‘free Robert’ is spray painted on the side of many English village pubs.

2005 – In what is seen as the most shocking AFA action yet Linda McCartney’s rotting corpse is exhumed from her grave and found days later in Prince Charles four poster bed on the Highgrove Estate.  Charles was quoted as saying “I thought it was Camilla”

2005 – Days after the previous action the Chair of the Countryside alliance is assassinated outside her Chelsea apartment.  The Culprit was said to be riding a black horse.  The horse was found hours later roaming desperately in Hyde park.  Apparently the culprit exchanged her for a stolen Domino’s Pizza moped to escape being too easily identified.

The AFA haven’t been heard of since these audacious actions.  Rumours have it they have left the United Kingdom.  Some are said to be living in the Amazon Jungle with hunter-gatherer tribes, others are travelling around Wwoofing (working on organic farms) and one key member reportedly has a high ranking job at the CIA.

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